Along with a diagnosis of dementia comes a gradual loss of language for individuals— both the ability to use spoken and written words to communicate, as well as the ability to understand words others use. This loss can be extremely challenging, frustrating, and defeating for the person living with the disease that impacts more than 7 million Americans.
For those of us caring for individuals living with dementia, it is crucial to help minimize some of these frustrations by assisting the person, particularly in situations in which feelings and emotions are trying to be conveyed. One of the best tools to use is active listening: be visibly and intentionally curious about what they are trying to communicate and assist them with connecting their thoughts. Repeating words and helping them name emotions can be helpful as well. Guiding their vocabulary, while honoring their feelings, is key when attempting to ease their frustrations.
For example, years ago, one of my memory care residents approached me very concerned about her mother. She asked, “Have you seen my mom? Where’s mom? I know she’s coming home soon.” Often, when someone asks about their loved one, especially a parent, they are longing for a connection and feeling of safety, security, and love. I listened, paused, and then replied, “It sounds like you are missing your mom. Tell me about her— I bet she’s a beautiful woman.” The resident replied sharply, “Missing her? I’m upset with her! She told my best friend she couldn’t spend the night!” By trying to help her name the emotion, she felt heard and was able to communicate with me exactly how she was feeling.
Slowing down and listening with the intent to understand, not simply reply yields more successful conversations. To achieve this, here are my tested tips for communicating with people living with dementia – garnered from my education and first-person experience.
TIP 1: Slow down, pause, and wait for a reply. Do not overwhelm the person by asking a series of questions before they’ve answered the first question. The time it takes to process the question, formulate a response, and articulate it slows as the diagnosis progresses. Give them space, patiently, to come to you with their response.
TIP 2: Consider your body language. It is important when connecting with someone who might feel self-conscious about their communication skills that you ensure your body language conveys what you’re trying to express.
For example, if you say you have time to chat, but your arms are crossed, or you are turned towards the door and walking out, the person living with dementia will feel dismissed and unlikely to communicate.
TIP 3: Emotional connection is important. Take the time to build a connection with the person before you get into any tasks you may need to administer (medication administration, tidying up their space with them, cooking with them). Taking the time to build rapport and trust will pay off immensely. Remember: slower really is faster.
TIP 4: Limit distractions when you need to have a serious conversation or need answers to specific questions. For example, turn off the television/radio and ensure the room is well-lit and at a comfortable temperature.
TIP 5: Last but certainly not least, my final tip is that connection and good communication are not just for people living with dementia—it’s for everyone. These tips can be applied to most relationships, and you will see a strong outcome. We all want to be seen, heard, and understood.
If my husband and I are having a serious conversation, and I know he’s frustrated, I will use a statement like, “it seems like you are frustrated,” he will quickly reply, “don’t do that dementia stuff on me!” and we laugh, because we both know that good communication and naming feelings to work through them is important for everyone. It just so happens that it is extremely important for people with cognitive challenges.
